Here’s an entry to placate many nosy (but loving) friends and family. Chris knows I blog, and sometimes helps me edit, and as long as I don’t destroy all of his atomity by linking his photo or Facebook page onto here, he doesn’t mind if I use his real name (versus a nickname. And any nicknames I have given him are personal ones and shall remain so)
Simply put, Chris is a man I unconditionally love. His arms are ones I look forward rushing into after a long day at work. I look forward to his monologue rants about nothing, half tuning them in while I surf the web but following along enough to show I’m listening. I love it when he randomly picks me up (not an easy thing to do) and twirls me around or how we will randomly waltz really badly without music in his kitchen. I love his jittery leg that never stays still, and his many impersonations that make me giggle till my sides hurt. I love how he attempts to teach me things like how to make a paper airplane or how to cook even if he has yet to successfully teach me either of those things. And yet, my heart is torn because while there are many, many, many more wonderful reasons why I love this man, I cannot make my heart fall in love with him.
Around this time last year, I once made a list shortly after I had my heart-broken about who my ideal dream guy was. I spent hours creating in detail, having many categories of qualities I wanted my dream man to possess. I found this list again, unseen, for the first time since I wrote it out a year ago. And I shocked myself at how Chris fit nearly every quality, even the silly ones like wanting a guy who knew lots of random useless trivia facts.
So what’s the problem? If he’s so perfect then why can’t I make myself fall? Good question. It’s complicated. A lot of it has to rest on the fact over my frustration over his depression and the fact that he relies on other people to support him. This is where most girls would be kicking him to the curb. But I’m not most girls. Like I said, it’s complicated. On the one hand he was my very best friend who understands me, plays with me, and emotionally cares for me. On the other I am trying to be supportive, encouraging and taking care of him the way a mother would. I feel while as hard as the later was for me, it out weighed all the positive joys he brought into my life.
So what changed that we decided to date? He got a job. He was working hard and sticking with it. I no longer felt obligated about making sure he had enough food and toilet paper for the both of us for the week because I know he could pick some up. I knew he would start picking up the check more frequently when we ate out, because I knew he felt bad about the burden he was placing. And he did start doing all of those things and more. I started thinking of us as an, us. But imagine my frustration six weeks later when I heard he was fired from this new job! I was furious at his work for out and about lying why they fired him, then I was furious at Chris for not fighting back!
And I was furious at myself. Because I knew Chris would go right back into this self-defeatist attitude, and he has. I feel so helpless on how to help him and I feel very stuck. While our money issues are not nearly as bad as my eight year relationship with my ex, money has become an extremely sensitive subject between me and men. I feel as if I have signed a contract even though there is no break up clause, and I’m free to leave anytime I choose, I’m not ready to quite give up. I want to be in love with this man, I want to make my heart do backflips over him. I just don’t want to feel like his mother, or his wife.
Another part of it too is that I’m scared. I’m scared I’ll end up in a relationship again like with my ex Tony, silently resenting him each time a money crises popped up. I’m afraid that money will wedge in and replace all the qualities I love most about Chris. For once in my life I would like a relationship, where until things got serious, I don’t have to stress about money. Where my money’s mine and his money’s his and we treat each other as we go, or go dutch, because we want to. Not because we’re stressed over the very last nickel we can squeeze together. That’s what I feel marriage is for.
I do love Chris though and how he makes me happy. In less than a minute he can turn my entire day around by making me smile and laugh. Something as simple as watching TV for instance. The TV could get stuck (and did) on Charlie Sheen’s face and Chris crying out “Oh god! Please!! Nooooo!” And I could get stuck in a fitful of giggles while Chris goes outside to fix the satellite. For now, this is enough of a reason to stay. But for some reason, it’s not enough of a reason to make my heart race, tongue roll outta my mouth or howl. I’m not banging my head against a tree or finding a horn that honks oooh-oogah. Okay, so I’m exaggerating like a Hannah-Barbara cartoon character just a little bit but I digress.
Is it a little nieve to want the whole package? To want someone I not only want to sexually assault every time I see his face but have a partner financially as well as emotionally & physically? I feel as if I have half the package. I feel as if I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m trying to be patient, by not rushing things and let things happen “naturally”, but it’s hard. (That’s what she said lol!) It’s hard when you have that sexual lust for someone else. (Another blog entry for another time.) It’s hard when you feel like you have people staring at you saying, “Chris is perfect for you.” and wanting to answer, “Yeah I know but…”
Nobody’s perfect. Even I’m not anywhere near perfect. I have my flaws, insecurities and annoying habbits that would drive anyone nuts. But theres always a light to the dark which is how I feel about Chris. I have faith in him even he has little faith in himself. What I need is more faith in myself. Faith to trust that this won’t turn out like my ex did. I need to trust myself to make the right decisions for me and not to please others. I need to start putting my own needs first before trying to take on others, and I am trying to do so. Chris is my best friend and I love him dearly. I’m just waiting on that other shoe to drop. And if it doesn’t, then I guess life will go on. I hope Chris will still be in my life because he’s someone I always want to be in it.