Secrets From A Fat.. SO?!

Hardly Alice

“I didn’t say you weren’t Alice. I said you were hardly Alice.”- Absolem aka the Blue Caterpillar.

The first time I saw Alice In Wonderland (Through the Looking Glass version 2010), I have to confess, I was disappointed. I thought it altogether way too cheesy.  While watching it a second time around, this time in my room with no cheesy 3D glasses, I saw the movie in a different light. Yes, Tim Burton is just as weird and in my opinion still a one trick pony who rotates the same actors around. But during the second viewing of Alice in Wonderland, my perception shifted.

I did read Alice in Wonderland as a kid but, I confess I never got around to reading Lewis Carroll’s “Through The Looking Glass.” Maybe if I had, I wouldn’t have missed the overall movie message. The message asking a question, who are you?  Or more specifically, who is Alice? Through the Looking Glass takes place after Alice grows up, one where a woman’s voice held little weight and choices often made for her.

As far as the movie’s interpretation of the book goes, it leads into Alice’s life “all grown up” and trying to be bred into a young society woman. We see as her personal freedom and voice diminish from existence, that her sanity snaps and throws her back into Wonderland.At one point the Cheshire Cat was like, “TheAlice?” And Alice responded, “There’s been some debate about that.” “I’ve never been one for politics,” he replies. It’s actually Absolem, who towards the end of the movie, finally provokes Alice into shouting in defining terms, her identity.

Like Editor in Chief of US’s Cosmopolitan Magazine, Kate White wrote in April’s issue (I think) of, “I am always looking for inspiration to borrow from others”. I am always borrowing ideas from my family, Chris, friends, coworkers and just things I observe in the media. Because if you look, inspiration is all around you. For instance, I like Kate White’s example of trying to incorporate Natalie Portman’s attitude for never asking for extensions on deadlines. But it’s not just what I see or read inspires me.

My own family inspires me. My mom inspires me to be kind and generous. Chris inspires me to not give a damn about people’s opinions and to explore outside my comfort zone. I don’t think my own coworkers realize how much they’ve inspired me to be better at just my own job in the year that I’ve been there! Mama T inspired me to keep my work area cleaner. Speedy Gonzales inspires me to work faster but to be thorough. Mr. Cinnamon inspired me to memorize my codes faster when I first started. Miss Bookworm inspires me to never call myself dumb or stupid and motivates me to want to learn now. Mr. Beanie inspires me about how far a sincere a simple compliment can go.

But those are only a few examples. In honest to god corny truth, I’m always trying to borrow or learn something from everyone I know everyday. You guys make me into a better person. And I thank you for that from the bottom of my heart. Sometimes there are many people who teach me the same message, but each in a slightly different style. It might be a slight variation or spin on something I already know, but that doesn’t make it any less useful. I have gone the long way to make my point but I promise I have one.

Alice is yelling at Absolem. “I am the daughter of a blah blah blah. I am this, I am that. I am Alice!” (I can’t remember verbatim as I’m going off the cuff here). Before she had started off on her self identity realization, Alice was in the space in between. She felt who she was, and I’m sure deep down knew who she was. It wasn’t until she had to verbally remind, not Absolem, but herself, who she was, did Alice get her “muchness” back. And that inspired me to take a page out of Alice’s book.

I know who I am, at least, I feel her. I feel my “muchness”. I know that by simply listing my identity, it won’t change me over night. It won’t make my muchness sprout faster than the cake Alice ate to grow taller. But it will me grow. My identity will change. I don’t mean for any of the following to come off as overly critical or unjustly harsh. So without further ado, my muchness.

I am Sarah. I am somewhere between not tall enough and too tall. I lean on the side of being too fat, fat enough to be given sighs of sympathy “She would be prettier if only…” but not fat enough to be considered for the show Biggest Loser (I tried out in 2010). I am pretty enough to know that I am not the ugliest girl in the room, but I’m not the one that gets gossiped about for being a knock out. (And not just because of my weight.) I know I have a face that is passably pretty… a little plain and a sometimes a little ordinary (especially one that’s sans makeup) but a face pretty enough by media standards to be called cute. It’s enough of a face that most days, I like my reflection. But I am not the girl who boys stumble over their feet to get to and I’m not the girl who people laugh about those boys falling over. I am just me, I am just Sarah. And I’m fine with that.

I am the girl who will never have it all put together, but who acts like she does. I will act like I have my life figured out, when I don’t. I have a vauge idea of a direction I want to go in and hope it pans out. I will always be the girl who tries to always have a genuine smile on her face. Not just because I want to be happy, I do, but because I feel like it’s a mask I can control. I get scared letting people see that I am emotional. I over analyzes situations, even if I don’t have all the facts. I am the girl who is laid back and emotionally accepting of just about anyone and I am a girl who doesn’t get truly offended easily. After venting, I try not to hold onto anger or resentment. But I like to vent and sometimes I need a few ears to tell it to. I am a girl who loves with her whole heart and will silently cry for months over mistakes and people she hurt. I am a girl who will always be bleeding love.

I am smart enough to know that I can accomplish anything I want… when I focus. I am a girl who never stops trying, stubbornly so. I am a girl who loves to learn and dreams big. I almost always need lots of visual help, lots of practice, and patience. I am competitive enough to be driven, but not competitive enough to finish first. I am an average girl who doesn’t want to be average. I have a million plans, ideas and projects but never finish them. I have an insane amount of patience but I get distracted easily. I am a girl who loves to tell stories but gets too lost within details. I am a girl who has trouble letting go. I am a girl who is constantly trying to reinvent herself.I am a girl trying to refind her muchness. I am Sarah.

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