Secrets From A Fat.. SO?!

July 22nd 2011

Today has been my first day off in a week.  It feels wonderful to have two days off in a row again. I feel like I almost live at work. I know there are people who I work with who are putting twice the overtime that I am and I wonder how they deal with it. I love the hours I’m getting but it’s exhausting, mentally and physically. Chris gives me a back rub almost every night because of how tense I’ve become. I feel extremely lucky to have that support system, of having someone who will be there to try to help heal me both physically and emotionally when I’m struggling to just get through the day. I realize that sometimes I lean too heavily on him for that support, and I realize that I can’t have my cake and eat it too. I can’t preach that I am an individual who wants her freedom and expect to be emotionally coddled all the time. Because I’m afraid that if I rely too heavily on his support without learning how to also deal with things myself, if we were to breakup, that I would repeat history all over again. Still, that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy the benefits that come with being a couple, like cuddling, kissing, free cooking and back rubs.

I woke up late this morning. I had a meeting with Ms. J, my future apartment manager but I kept hitting the snooze button on my phone. It wasn’t like I hadn’t had enough sleep, I had over eight hours, and my body felt physically ready to get up. But my head wasn’t. Emotionally I was still tired and kept forcing myself to go back to sleep till the very last possible moment. I called Ms. J to apologize that I would be over an hour late and rushed to get ready. I try to not to get resentful at Chris for being the one to have to constantly wake him up because, it reminds me of Tony. While Chris is generally easier to get out of bed, and less grumpy, I start to feel like his mother when I have to give “ten minute” warnings and I start to get resentful. But I try to remember the way I look at him every morning before I get out of bed. I remember how peaceful, how adorably cute he looks, and how my heart smiles that moment before I tangle myself out of bed. And I try not to get frustrated or feel like his mother when I have to give 10 minute warnings.

I was locked out of the bathroom and was halfway dressed. My bra was on the bathroom floor and I hadn’t put on any deodorant. But I was wearing the new jeans I had been aching for months over to buy. They don’t quite fit, I need to lose like ten more pounds to really fit them but not only could I squeeze into them, they made my butt look great. In the mean time, I missed a call from Ms. J, letting me know that she was able to find the name of the creditors I’ve been trying to hunt down all week. So while Chris was in the shower, I googled till I was able to find a number. I waited till Chris was done, got dressed and finally after some pacing around Chris’s apartment, finally got the nerve to call the creditors.

I argued on the phone, trying to sound reasonable and fair at the same time. I did my best to not sound like I was arguing or accusing them that they were in the wrong and like I was just trying to understand while getting my point across. The guy read a report as if I trashed my old apartment. Which I didn’t! He said there was $700 charged in new paint alone which I’m quoting “There goes your deposit”. He added that there was also new carpet, and went on further to accuse that because I had had a cat, that there was urine spray I was unable to detect. I wanted to scream that my cats were litter box trained and that I always kept it clean! I was angry but realized that by arguing with him, I wasn’t getting anywhere. Instead I gave him my information on where and how to contact me. I was firm that I wanted an itemized report mailed to me. And when.

I was fuming. I’m surprised I wasn’t shaking. Chris could see how upset I was. “It’s just not fair!!” I wanted to scream. I know life isn’t fair but I more felt taken advantage of. I wrote a quick email to my ex Tony and hustled out the door to catch the bus. As I was leaving the door I realized more than anything I wanted my mommy. I wanted my mommy the same way a five-year old does. Except, I mostly just wanted her to tell me that everything was going to be okay, that I could fight this, and that I was strong enough and that the bad guys wouldn’t win. Instead I got the opposite. Both my mother and my god mother told me I should just roll over, pay half of what the complex wanted, that I didn’t really have a case, and leave the other half for Tony to deal with. To just pay my half and let the rest be his problem. It was everything I didn’t want to hear.

I realized half way out the door I had forgotten the deposit money and had to retrace my steps. I told my mom I’d consider their words and would just wait till I got the itemized list. It felt pointless to disagree until I knew more. But it was very demoralizing. I’m a fighter naturally but having both Chris & my mom say the photos I had weren’t the right kind of proof, made me feel like my chances of having a case to ridiculous. We got on the bus and continued to talk about the outrageousness of it all. I walked into work, said hello to as many people as I could without feeling like I was flaunting my day off, my freedom, in front of them. I talked to Brett and a guy from Home & Electronics I had never met before while waiting in line. We talked about the game “your team” and my idea about converting it into a website. I felt shy the whole time I was there and acted like my butterfly self when I get shy, talking and flittering out before conversation get very far.

I smiled friendly at my coworker who helps me cash my paycheck and write a money order. Sometimes I wish I could talk to them more privately to prove to my gut that they are a genuinely nice person despite the controversy I’ve heard. I want to believe that they are genuinely nice and that my intuition isn’t off. It’s just so hard believing that this person is a jerk when the sources, to me, aren’t all that reliable. Oh well, I’m not one to believe gossip and rumors. I said goodbye and left the store.

I got a hot chocolate and cinnamon coffee cake at Starbucks to pass the time with Chris. I had told Ms. J that I would meet her around tweleve-thirty and felt bad about arriving early for a time I wasn’t sure she was okay with rescheduling. I teased Chris on the sugar intake in his coffee and finally nervously danced around Chris enough to go drop off the deposit money order. I retested the “short cut” to the apartments and knocked on the door. After not even five minutes, Ms. J opened the door to let us in.

I handed over the deposit immediately and apologized again for being late. I didn’t go into details why. I didn’t think it would look good to simply say “I didn’t feel like waking up.” Not knowing what to say, I apologized again, but this time for the whole application/old debtors disaster. We talked about that I felt like she appreciated my honesty and hard work for trying to get this resolved. I mostly just felt relief that I wasn’t being chewed out and denied application. I felt relief that she didn’t think I was just some bad person who went around trashing apartments and lying. Instead I felt warmth, understanding and compassion. She made me feel like I should fight this, and that she would give me time to fight the injustice. She gave me advice on what I could do, from an apartment manager’s point of view, and for the first time gave me confidence.

We eventually moved on and I tried to make sure that I had all my questions answered. I made sure I understood what would happen on August 1st, and how the deposit would be used to be taken off September’s rent. I shook her hand, thanked her again and Chris & I left. I had the biggest smile on my face when I left. It felt like everything was coming together despite the setback’s I was feeling. I felt like I didn’t just have Chris on my side but Ms. J’s too! We walked back to the main road and went into the used Card Shop to pick up the Becket. Tony had clearly indicated with his silence, even recently, that he did not care about ever having his baseball cards returned so I figured I’d price out the 200 odd baseball cards in my collection.

I entered the card store like a cowboy enters the saloon in a western movie. My boobs were my spurs and every male head (which was everyone in the store) turned as the door closed behind me. I definitely did not blend in. The walls were filled with inch to inch Magick game cards and the store screamed GEEK! I asked Chris to help me find the magazine and practically ran out of the store. Not that I have anything against geeks, I just felt really out of my element and uncomfortable. I didn’t want attention. I just wanted my baseball book and to get out of the store.

Chris & I walked to the bus stop and waited for the bus heading downtown. I felt relieved and ecstatic. In my mind I had accomplished so much. I had finally contacted the old apartments, gave them my contact information, gave the deposit to Ms. J and had figured out everything I needed to accomplish what I needed for the move. And I had the Becketit. I felt so accomplished I could scream in happiness! I emailed Tony back after seeing a response and promised to let him know more as I did. I was happy and bitter at the same time. Happy that everything was being resolved and bitter that I was the one who had to do all the work because Tony was sitting pretty, not ever having to worry about where he was going to live or how our debt affected only my life.

I didn’t have any other plans for the day but I didn’t want to go back to the apartment and do nothing. After talking out some ideas, I decided to take Chris to the Chinese Gardens. I hadn’t been since my first date with Mr. Monkey early in 2010 and I really felt cheated out on the experience then. We had been both so nervous that first date that we spent most of the time just focusing on each other and kind of ignoring the experience around us that I felt robbed of getting to knowing the history of the Chinese Gardens. So I took Chris, hoping to get into a silly touristy vibe.

We found the gardens after wandering around, mostly trusting my instincts and we found the place without having to ask for directions. I don’t know why I have to be the one wherever I go, whom ever I’m with, has to remind people “let’s just have fun”, “let’s just be spontaneous!” Because once Chris saw the place, he became hesitant. Yes, it was a little over priced but not by much. Especially not after I heard there was a tour group in an hour after we arrived. I really wanted to go. Chris, not so much.

I was able to get Chris to have some fun by slowing down and taking photos after his sour pus attitude at how much money I spent and how small it was compared to Charleston. While I do think he had fun wandering around and taking photos on our phones, we were pretty much done after a half hour. I wanted to stay for the tour group but I could tell Chris was really bored. And there’s nothing more enjoyable than listening to someone complain about how bored they are. Trust me, I know because, I can be one of those complainers lol. But I digress. I took Chris to a cheesy tourist store across the street, specifically not the one where Mr. Monkey bought me the tiny stone turtle. We browsed and I made mental notes of everything I wanted to buy when I had money to spend.

Call me a cheese ball but I really like buddha statues. In almost every statute, you can find Buddha smiling or laughing. And let’s be honest, who doesn’t like a bald happy fat man? Or maybe I just feel like I can relate my outwards appearance, minus the baldness, to Buddha. We rounded the corner to the House of Louie for lunch. Their lunch special wasn’t as good as August Moon on 23rd, but I didn’t think it quite deserved the fit Chris threw over the sweet n sour chicken. I didn’t think it was inedible. Or maybe it’s just my taste buds are just aren’t refined enough, to just eat whatever’s in front of me. I still felt like it was a waste of money, my money to just not eat the majority of his meal.

I went to the bathroom and looked at my clock, it was a little past the hour and had missed the tour by a few minutes. I paid and for a lack of knowing what to do, directed Chris to the direction of Pioneer Square. And together we got lost in the magic of the square. We wandered around in different locations, first up by Nordstrom and watched people playing chess and a street performer’s playing the cello. Then we wandered to the opposite corner by the court house and played Your Team for the majority of the time. We didn’t sit still in any location for very long and after awhile I began to get tired.

After what felt like the 20th lap Chris convinced me to to wander a little north west by the art museum where we found and watched for a few minutes some ballet dancers while they warmed up/performed for a show later that evening. I don’t know what I was expecting. I was having fun just exploring and wandering but I sort of wanted a final location/destination in sight. Not seeing one forth coming and knowing Chris wasn’t really up for what I wanted to do, going to Powell’s Books & seeing Harry Potter, I just convinced us to go home. We continued to play Your Team all along the Max and rested my head on his shoulder.

We stopped off for a slurpee at 7-11 before we went home. I felt guilty because I’ve been secretly not trying to drink soda and I felt like I was cheating with a coke slurpee. I beat myself up the whole way back about it and even more so for enjoying it. But after halfway back, Chris made me stop and to just enjoy the occasional treat. I knew he was right. I felt like even though my day wasn’t perfect, that I had fun and felt super accomplished for getting everything I had done. And that’s all we can really do, is take it one day at a time and try to do as much as we can.

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